wheresnadiah

i have come to realise that the man depends a lot on me. it’s not about big things, but daily necessities that one tends to overlook, but realises its/their importance and significance upon reflection.

he seems extremely casual about the fact that his mom is in hospital, and i found that rather disturbing. cos when my mum was admitted the other time, i felt my life turn slightly upside down, cos i had to shuffle to the hospital and back home to get the house in order, etc.

and then i realised that he no longer depends on his mother for stuff which he needs, like food, a place to sleep, emotional support, etc. his mother represented all those last time, but now, he no longer goes to her for much. instead, i have morphed into that essential other half.

i make sure he eats three meals a day, with fruits to boot.

i ensure he gets enough rest. and i don’t really care if he falls asleep on my bed while waiting for some random show to start or while waiting for prayer time.

i clean/ upkeep his clothes if they’re left at my place.

i’m the first one he calls when he has something to say or get off his chest.

and i’m the one he runs to with his mails and ‘admin’ work to take care off. i know his IC number by hard, when his passport expires, his bank account pin numbers, when his next reservist is due.

so, i posted him this question last night.

“b? can you survive if i were to go away or if I were the one in hospital?”

he paused.

and went, “b. we’ll talk about it if it happens. but now, you’re fine, so everything’s fine.”

hahahaha.

a part of me finds comfort that unconsciously, we’ve morphed into our ‘significant’ roles in this couplehood and that when we get married, it won’t be strange or awkward.

and i’m glad that i’m that one person that he cannot ‘live’ without. hahah. cos when i go away for a holiday, and he’s left to fend for himself, he gets muddle-headed and lost. hahhahaha. so poor thing.

but another tiny weeny part of me finds it slightly scary that you can depend on another person without really realising it. and then when you split, you’re back to square one. and you’re left to pick up the pieces yourself.

maybe that’s the one thing that i fear. to depend so much on that other half, and then to lose him/her and find that you’ve lost a great part of yourself as well.

whether i like to admit it or not, i do in fact rely a lot on him. for things around the house to gte fixed up, to perk my day up when it’s down, to be there for me when i need him to. just to be there. :)

so, although i don’t say it often, or thank him enough, i do in fact cherish you, b. because you have transformed into this vital part of my life, this essential part of me that allows me to forge on through life with such ferocity and spunk. :)